By Lance Pauker
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
“I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves.” – Jack Handey
“A black C student can’t do shit with his life. A black C student can’t be a manager at Burger King, meanwhile a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.” – Chris Rock
“You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.” – Anthony Jeselnik
“They lie about marijuana: ‘Marijuana makes you unmotivated.’ Lie. When you’re high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it’s not worth the fucking effort. There’s a difference.” – Bill Hicks
“Who has connections to Connecticut? That’s where rich people go to live the rest of their life in the woods.” – Patrice O’Neal
“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright
“Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.” – Mitch Hedberg
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana — mafia.” – Jim Gaffigan
“I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.’” – Jimmy Carr
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades” – Demetri Martin
“There’s a reason it’s called ‘girls gone wild’ and not ‘women gone wild’. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.” – Louis CK
“I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.” – Ben Bailey
“I taught Sunday School for two years. And I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like this, “OK, if one more person talks, everybody is going to Hell.” – Maragaret Cho
‘It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
“Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry.” – Maria Bamford
“I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper
“In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’” – Doug Benson
“There’s no such thing as addiction, there’s only things that you enjoy doing more than life.” – Doug Stanhope
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” – Sam Kinison
“I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.” – Richard Pryor
“The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.” – Lenny Bruce
“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin
“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’” – Conan O’Brien
“The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.” – Jay Leno
“I can’t wait till Sunday, I’m gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece…” – Sarah Silverman
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven’t seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.” – Joan Rivers